Desesperada

At times I forget to breathe.
A natural phenomenon of the body that seems to skip me
I look in the cupboard hoping to find a window
One where fruit trees and wildflowers are seen in the distance
Where the sound of silence smells like freshly baked bread
Instead I find a mixture of plants and herbs inside a pink box
‘Hecho en Mexico’ it says
I boil them in water and hope to feel like I do south of the border
My brain won’t keep quiet
A current of thoughts, ideas, and fear unable to find their way out
Time has become an ailment.
Immobilizing the touch of the sun and the calm of the waves
If escape becomes impossible, the salty sea will surely take over
I close my eyes and force happy thoughts to tackle unwanted ones
Kisses on my forehead, my Mother’s hand through my hair, the sun…
My lips refrain from curving.
But my body does not.
A temporary dent on the cotton that carries me and the grey silk that cools me
I have to get up.
I open the curtains to a window that does not open
Where plants and all things living are seemingly breathing
I watch them behind the glass with envy
And remind myself to breathe.

• Whitter, CA

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